New Beginnings » sobriety

Five years. 5. F.I.V.E.

Rusty — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 18:06:50 +0000

Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations.

-Edward De Bono

A couple of weeks ago, any post I would have written would have come out as either crazy mumbo jumbo or a rant that would scare any newcomer to sobriety. Now that I’m a little more stable , I have half a chance of writing something coherent. Lucky you. So, my friends, what does five years of sobriety look like? Better yet, how does it look compared to all of my wild expectations? Hmmm, each question lends itself to a very different answer.

Expectations. They are ridiculous. Or, should I say, my expectations for myself and those around me are ridiculous. Where I should be in my recovery – in my life – is right where I am. That’s not to say that I shouldn’t strive for betterment, enlightenment, progress. I do. But to place a certain quantifiable value on the quality of my life based on how many years I’ve been sober is just a little silly, isn’t it. And yet. I still do it. Worse yet, I still do it for other people, too. Obviously, this recovery thing is a process (oh yea, progress, not perfection). So annoying.

As I mentioned, a couple of weeks ago I was pretty batty. Hella crazy. Depressed and miserable. I won’t bore you with the details, but I will tell you that a lot of it came down to one thing: hormones. Melody had warned me years ago that unbalanced hormones can be the root of many medical problems. And that some mental/psychological issues can actually be medical problems caused by effed up hormones. Guess what. I had my hormones done and they are completely out of whack. Fast forward a couple of weeks and some progesterone and exercise later and I am no longer swimming around in the dark, murky poor me pond. Frankly, it’s a huge relief.

“So, where you at?” Well, I’m right here. There is drama, I can’t deny that. There is no getting around the fact that this economy sucks. Sucks. But, truthfully, I cannot even count the ways in which my life is blessed. How amazing that I get to be weird ole’ me in this fabulous world. My husband is awesome. My kids are thriving: despite the hormonal charges of impending puberty, my son is loving and sweet; my daughter loves school, loves basketball and soccer, and loves puppies. My family is loving and supportive of my recovery and my path. We are part of an amazing Sangha, to which I am able to lend my talents in the form of service. My company has launched a new family of connectivity products that has been well received by the industry. I joined the Master Recyclers program and am enjoying the challenge. I am an Eco-Consultant for a very cool and progressive company, Green Irene. Seriously, can it get much better?

If you found this site because you’re struggling with alcohol and trying to figure out what the hell is happening to you: hi and welcome! Please feel free to comment or ask questions. Please understand, though, that my experience and success has come from AA. There are other pieces to my puzzle, such as Buddhism, creativity, and health, but the core piece is the 12 steps. Not acupuncture, yoga, magic pills, SMART, religion, whatever. And, dude, if I can do it, anyone can.

Love,
Rusty

12 Step Buddhist Retreat I know that I’ve mentioned many times that I am...

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The secret to positive change and productivity

Rusty — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 21:42:16 +0000

So my biggest problem has always been laziness. And low self esteem. Laziness and low self esteem. Those two character traits combined can turn procrastination into an art form. At times, I have been paralyzed by it. At worst, it’s helped to create a myriad of disorder and financial chaos around me. To battle these conditions, I thought I should read more. I have read books, ebooks, audio books, blogs, and magazines on organization, productivity, creativity, simplicity, and motivation. I’ve tried egg timers, sink scrubbing, box labeling, sorting, you name it. I never got very far. I could spend all weekend on a project, just to watch it turn into a bigger mess over the week. I felt helpless and hopeless over the financial and physical mess I created around myself.

As I was approaching my 4th year sober, I took a good long look at my life and the progress I had made. Still sober? Check. Kids happy? Check. Marriage strong? Check. Doing step work? Check. Doing well at work? Check…sort of (I could definitely put some more effort in there). House comfortable and cozy? No way. Cleaning up financial wreckage of the past? Not even close. And the worse it got, the less I wanted to deal with it. But I finally came to the conclusion that I had to do something. I couldn’t be paralyzed by my own fear of failure or by all the ideas flying around in my head. What did I do, you ask… I started with one box of accumulated clutter. I started chipping away at the mess by facing it. I know that modeling is the oldest parenting cliche’ in the book, but I’m here to yell you that it works. I can yell at my son to celan up his room until my eyeballs explodes and he will bitch and complain for days (and still not clean his room). But make some headway in the familyroom and suddenly he’s all gungho about organizing his books and sorting through old toys for the Mom’s Program.

And then, something happened. My husband was let go from his job. Instead of the world falling apart, the world sort of came together. I have my partner back. We’re a team again (rich in love, poor in money?). And we are kicking ass, my friends. Slowly, biting of a little at a time and getting our family, our home and our finance back in order. Not all at once, but a slow, focused movement forward. The change on my family is phenomenal. It’s beautiful. I know the economy is shit (you should see our Cobra bill) and I have a lot of anxiety wrapped up in it. But. My family is thriving. My whole family. We are united. Even the family that doesn’t get to be up here with us…we’re stronger than ever. We’ll be so much better than ok. We’ll be grand. How weird is that?

So, what is the secret? Well, what do you think it is? It’s the same thing it’s always been. JUST GET UP AND DO IT! Stop thinking, planning, reading, justifying, and contemplating. Get up off your ass and do it. It’s your life. Live it the way you want to live it. Do. As most worthwhile endeavors in life, it’s not easy to do, but the rewards are immeasurable. It’s been very difficult for me to face my shortcomings and take real inventory of our financial and environmental situations, but I did I was able to move forward. It’s a good feeling.

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Dear Alcoholic Post-WLS Patient:

Rusty — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 00:20:39 +0000

Dear Brothers and Sisters Still Suffering,

Your surgery changed everything for you. Aside from some minor pains and setbacks here and there, you were doing fabulously: losing weight like gangbusters, having energy to burn, and feeling like someone that mattered again. That’s how I felt, too. I was even blessed with a beautiful new baby. But somewhere along the way, something else happened. Something sneaky, brutal and completely unexpected. Somehow, alcohol felt and tasted different. And then, almost suddenly, I couldn’t stop at one glass of wine…or even one bottle. And you can’t either, can you?

Please don’t take this the wrong way or think that I don’t love you, because I do. I love you with my whole heart. The truth is that you are now an alcoholic. Plain and simple. There is no going back. You must stop drinking now and get help. Do not pass go. Do not make any more excuses or cry about how unfair it is. Do not stomp your foot like a child and tell me that AA won’t work for you. I don’t give a shit which program you choose, just choose one that includes participation in groups. The healing power of a fellowship is immeasurable. If you don’t stop this downward spiral right now you might destroy everything you have and everyone you love in the destructive ripple effect that is alcohol.

I have to be honest here. I want you to know that the path back is not always easy. It’s hard. But it does get better. A lot better. It sucks dealing with all the pain you’re feeling right now, but that horrid, overwhelming sense of doom will eventually go away. Honest. Your soul will return to your eyes and you will be accountable for the things you do and say. Life will start again. If you choose to put down the drink and try another way…if you want to live, then you will do anything to get your life back won’t you? So do it.

Put your hand in my hand and we’ll do this together.

With Love,
Rusty

For more information, my story, and links to articles and programs, please see my original post on this topic.

Five years. 5. F.I.V.E. Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents...

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Alcoholism after Gastric Bypass (WLS): Another Part of My Story

Rusty — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 17:11:33 +0000

There is another part of my story that I haven’t really shared with others and it has to do with the gastric bypass surgery I had several years ago. I had surgery to lose weight so I could safely have another child. And I did. But after Abby’s birth my social drinking turned into a full blown problem that almost destroyed my family (not to mention packing back on 2/3 of the weight I’d lost). Although alcoholism does not run in my family, I realized fairly quickly that I had a severe problem. I got treatment and I found AA. Now I’m working on all the issues I needed to confront and deal with so many years ago. I never really shared this part of my story because I was afraid the AA fellowship might accuse me of making excuses. I’m not. My gastric bypass and my accelerated trip into alcoholism is part of my experience. Maybe I’m luckier this way. Because drinking after WLS (Weight Loss Surgery) was like injecting alcohol directly into my bloodstream maybe I’m lucky that I had to stop now and start on my spiritual journey in my 30s instead of drinking for another 20 years and trying to clean up that much wreckage. Anyway, I’ve discovered that I’m not the only one who has taken this path. Below are some links that discuss the issue of alcoholism after WLS. I would love to hear from other women (and men) that have become alcoholic after WLS so please email me privately at zenrusty at gmail dot com or leave a comment. We’re always stronger together.

Beyond Change: Recommendations on the use of alcohol after WLS
Carnie Wilson and Alcoholism after WLS – here, here and here
After Gastric Bypass: Drunk Faster?
WSJ article: The New Addiction
Personal Stories from alcoholic woman who’ve had WLS
Alcoholism and WLS
Patty’s Story
WLS Center Newsletter
ObesityHelp’s Message Board Topic: alcoholism
ABC News: After Gastric Bypass Surgery, Women Battle Alcoholism

Edited 10/22/07: I have received many emails and comments from people in the middle of the struggle I found myself in not so long ago. Your story does not have to have a sad ending. There is help, if you’re willing to get sober at all costs. Let go of your preconceived notions about recovery groups, realize that it is not going to get better until you get help, and then ask for help. Find out where an AA meeting is and GO! Find a local or online WFS meeting NOW! If I can do this thing, so can you.

BTW, I don’t consider my alcoholism a transfer of my addiction. This is a physical disease (with psychological characteristics) that may be tied to, but not caused by my “issues.” I don’t believe that I abused alcohol and then became an alcoholic. I believe I had surgery, had a glass of wine and experienced a completely different reaction to the alcohol almost immediately. I guess the question now is how do we spread the word of the dangers of drinking alcohol (even a small amount) after weight loss surgery? Obviously, it does no good to try and get doctors to discuss this with their patients with so much money at stake….who will care enough?

Please read my letter to post operative WLS patients that think they might have a drinking problem.

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