My Beginning
I come from a scientific background and am fairly cynical to boot. Therefore, once convinced that I was an alcoholic I felt fairly hopeless as far as recovery, unless I could take a magic pill and be “cured.” I began to look at my options. What little I knew of AA, I did not care for. How could a god that I don’t believe in save me from a disease I didn’t have? I was terrified of rehab. How could “treatment” and talking about my past in group therapy help me? In the end, I chose to go to a treatment center that provided me with medical/scientific data AND therapy AND AA/NA. If I was going to try this recovery thing, I was not going to do it unarmed. The scientific information about acetaldahyde (sp) producing drugs such as alcohol, benzos, etc, was extremely helpful in grabbing my attention and interest. Surprisingly, there is a lot of concrete research that backs up the theories out there about disease, genetics, and medical predispositions towards addiction. Unfortunately, there is no cure. But my interest in my problem led me to therapy and then to AA and NA. As a self-proclaimed athesist/agnostic, I rejected AA/NA before I even understood it’s purpose. Thankfully, my participation in group therapy and mandatory AA/NA meetings in treatment taught me that AA was not about religion or a preconceived notion of GOD. In fact, it taught me that my relationship with my higher power is personal…something to be developed only by me. AND, what’s more, my HP didn’t have to be based on some cookie cutter template, but that I just needed to acknowledge that there was something out there greater than me. You mean, I just have to admit that I’m not the center of the universe? Harold Kushner’s book, “The Lord is My Shepard,” reminded me that I wasn’t alone, that my HP was with me.
Well, that was my start. And, now, I’m on this really incredible journey. Trust me, my pursuit of spirituality is not for everyone — I think my husband is going to scream if I mention Kabbalah or how Budhism relates to the 12 steps one more time! But for the first time in my life, I feel something I’ve never felt before. I know that life is not fair and things are not always easy or simple, but I know that I won’t ever have to face things alone. It’s such a comfort to me to have a HP and to have my new fellowship of people that may not always like me, but they sure do understand me. So, for me and my recovery, AA is just part of my holistic program for a new life. Therapy is important for forgiving myself and dealing with the emotions I pushed down for so long. Research, science, medicine…they’re all very important to my overall understanding of my disease. But it’s my HP and the AA/NA fellowships that pull it all together for me.
One of the things we said in treatment after ourmorning meeting is something that I think of all the time: Put your hand in my hand and we’ll do this together…
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