New Beginnings

This past weekend was truly a New Beginning for me. I took refuge with my new Sangha and my teachers Lama Yeshe and Lama Pema. Not only did I find my spiritual home, but I went from a student of Buddhism to a Buddhist student by going for refuge. And, though I’m not a Christian, my family donned their Easter duds and went to church for a lovely hour of fellowship. In this time of global war and hate mongering, it was a joy to spend some time sharing positive ideas and discussing the concept and reality of love in today’s world. I found it refreshing and inspiring.

I was able to get 3 tickets to see Obama on Saturday, but because of my Sangha commitments I gave them to my 10 year old son, my grandma and my mom. And although my family is strongly pro-Hillary, I think it was an amazing experience for Max to participate in.

So I start this work week refreshed and trying to ignore Mr. It’s Not My Fault and his overwhelming negativity in the office. And, for the record, you can call me Karma Yeshe Khandro or Dakini of Primordial Awareness!

Did you know that Martha Stewart contributed $4600 to Hillary Clinton’s campaign?

Did you know that Tim Russert has mentioned UFOs and smoking bans in presidential debates, but not once uttered the words “global warming” on his show or at a debate?

Did you know that there were over 188 veteran suicides last year? It’s being called a silent epidemic. How do we help our soldiers cope with what we are asking them to do? I highly recommend this article about a Marine back from Iraq and his struggle to get back to his life.

Did you know that most writer’s and editorial assistants in the entertainment industry are women? How is really paying for the strike?

Did you know that Pakistani militants have destroyed the second most important Buddhist sculptures in South Asia?

Did you know there’s a new movie about punk icon Joe Strummer? Did you know that Stummer was born in Turkey?

I’m back from our annual (semi-ish) family vacation on the houseboat at Lake Powell. I am refreshed and ready to conquer the world…well, after a little sleep (3 days driving home is exhausting). We had way too much fun. Way, way too much fun. I took almost 500 pictures and they don’t do justice to the beauty we were surrounded by. Below is a quick little video of Max wake boarding. Jeff and I were so proud of him we were like giggly kids watching him.

Oh, yeah, and there’s that ever effective AA thing…but they neglected to mention that.

Third of Americans Have Alcohol Problems at Some Point (Washington Post):
There are many new medications and behavioral treatments, Grant said.
“But most people, including physicians, don’t realize the new
state-of-the-art treatment,” she said. “Basically, we need a national
campaign to educate physicians and lay people that there are treatments
out there, and they are effective.

The horrible tragedy at VA Tech has given fuel to discussions on a myriad of topics, including depression, suicide, rage, bullying, gun control, mental illness, racial prejudice, media freedom, and immigration. As these kind of horrors can only be brought on by a complex set of circumstances in a diverse society, I don’t pretend that there is any one answer to preventing what happened. Sometimes there is nothing to be done. But I do think that we can do our part in recognizing windows of opportunity to provide compassion and safety for those that need it most.

As a recovering alcoholic, I know what it’s like to live in pain and carry secrets that I feel no one understands or can forgive. When I entered rehab, and later, AA, I learned that I was not alone in how I felt. My story did not always match the experience of others, but there was no denying that we all share some of the same feelings of pain, shame, fear, and self loathing. I vow to try and be compassionate and supportive when someone looks like they need help. I’m going to try and overcome my own ridiculous selfisms and smile at people even if they don’t smile back. I will try to be kind and patient, even when I don’t feel like it. I will try to express lovingkindness to all. I will try to not take it all so personally. I am not alone. We are not alone.

If you are in crisis or need someone to talk to and don’t feel you have anyone you can trust or turn to, please contact the Kristin Brooks Hope Center at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433).

In the Art of Happiness the Dalai Lama says the antidotes to hate and anger are tolerance and patience. Because I seem to be filled with various levels of hate and anger lately I’m going to make a concentrated effort to work on neutralizing these negative feelings by actively combating them with tolerance and patience. That coupled with the card I drew during my women’s group (”Don’t take it personally”) should give me plenty to mediate on for the next month or so.

Is it true what my son says? Am I turning into a hippie? Somebody shoot me when I start rubbing patchouli on myself…

Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet

For more wisdom from the Dalai Lama, please see the Zaadz website. For more information on Buddhism and recovery visit Dharma Punx, Kevin Griffith, or Buddhist Recovery.

I’m having a hard time keeping up with my blog (duh). I’m struggling a bit and just have such a hard time articulating how I feel. It’s so much easier to just smile and say every thing’s fine…and hope that no one catches me pushing everything under the carpet. I’m not really afraid that I’ll drink. I’m just afraid that what’s wrong with me can’t be fixed…what if I’m one of the hopeless few that are incapable of being honest? Maybe it’s just part of my mood cycle. Maybe it’s the holidays and the  memory of what an ass I made of myself the last year before I went to treatment. Maybe it’s just easier to feel sorry for myself and be miserable than deal with reality. Who knows.

When I was pregnant with my first child, my mom bought me a really cool book, “The Family Virtues Guide,” by Linda Kavelin Popov. Basically, the book is a simple tutorial on building your family’s moral foundation through discussing and practicing the virtues found throughout the world’s cultures and religions.

Fast forward several years later, throw in a geographic, some rehab, and a total restructuring of my psyche, and viola! Out comes the book of virtues at the perfect place in time. Yesterday, we had our first Family Virtues Meeting. We kept it brief and chose “Loving” as this week’s virtue. Throughout the week we will look for ways to illustrate the concept. Hopefully, it will begin to build a framework for understanding the different values we try to throw at our kids. I’ll let you know how it goes.

For more information on the Virtues Project see their website.

[tags]loving, virtues, family, virtues project, “The Family Virtues Guide”, parenting, Linda Kavelin Popov[/tags]

I made it past that one year mark. Strange to think that I have not consumed [tag]alcohol[/tag] in any form in the last 12 months. I know it’s a “one day at a time” program and I know I shouldn’t place a lot of weight on anything longer than 24 hours, but it sure feels good. It feels like I’m starting to live the life I was meant to…that I’m laying the groundwork for living a productive life in [tag]recovery[/tag] [tag]sober[/tag].

Thank you, friends, for your kind comments.

In other news, our scouts are building birdhouses. And they’re very cool and very boy.

[tags]anniversary, one year, cub scouts, birdhouse[/tags]

I have fairly eclectic tastes in music. I have never been a a country music fan, although I have always loved some of the legends of that genre of music. One of my secret favorites is [tag]The Highwaymen[/tag], a country supergroup of sorts that included the talents of [tag]Waylon Jennings[/tag], [tag]Kris Kristofferson[/tag], [tag]Johnny Cash[/tag], and [tag]Willie Nelson[/tag]. Their lyrics and melodies are simple, yet often profound observations of life and how it is or should be lived. One song that really speaks to me is a soft ballad about god called “I do believe.” And since I believe that most of these men have battled [tag]addiction[/tag] in one form or another, it means all that much more.

I Do Believe
Written by Waylon Jennings

In my own way I’m a believer
In my own way right or wrong
I don’t talk too much about it
It’s something I keep working on
I don’t have too much to build on
My faith has never been that strong

There’s a man there in that building
He’s a holy man, they say
He keeps talking about tomorrow
While I keep struggling with today
He preaches hellfire and brimstone
And heaven seems so far away

I do believe in a higher power
One that loves us one and all
Not someone to solve my problems
Or to catch me when I fall
He gave us all a mind to think with
And to know what’s right or wrong
He is that inner spirit
That keeps us strong

In my own way I’m a believer
But not in voices I can’t hear
I believe in a loving Father
One I never have to fear
That I should live life at its fullest
Just as long as I am here

[tags]spirituality, outlaw country, music[/tags]

As with a lot of people in recovery, the keystone of my sobriety is my relationship with a higher power. I literally had to start from scratch “formulating” the idea of god, let alone trying to develop a relationship with it/him/her. Frankly, I was completely and totally spiritually bankrupt. On my journey I have read and learned heaps and heaps of good stuff while slowly coming to terms with what I believe in and what God’s will meant to me. One of the spiritual/philosophical practices that really appeals to me is that of Buddhism. There’s an amazing library of resources out there for alcoholics and addicts attracted to Buddhism. By far the most compelling and valuable book I’ve read to date is Kevin Griffin’s One Breath at a Time: Buddhism and the Twelve Steps. I just love how cleanly (and simply) he ties the two schools of thought together and makes them easy to understand and practice. The next book I plan to read along this same topic is Noah Levine’s Dharma Punx, which also looks pretty good. Someday, when I get some spare time, I’ll write up reviews on both of these and some of the others I’ve read.

Although, I have no interest in rewriting the 12 steps of AA (they’re working just fine for me the way they are, thank you very much), I did find an interesting interpretation of them on the website for the Lion’s Roar Dharma Center Recovery Group (see below).

The 12 Steps of Liberation

1. The truth of suffering. We experienced the truth of our addictions – our lives were unmanageable suffering.
2. The truth of the origin of suffering. We admit that we craved for and grasped onto addictions as our refuge.
3. The truth of the end of suffering. We came to see that complete cessation of craving and clinging at addictions is necessary.
4. The truth of the path. We made a decision to follow the way of liberation and to take refuge in our wakefulness, our truth, and our fellowship.
5. Right view. We made a searching and fearless review of our life. We are willing to acknowledge and proclaim our truth to ourselves, another human being and the community.
6. Right thought. We are mindful that we create the causes for suffering and liberation. Our goodness is indestructible.
7. Right speech. We purify, confess and ask for forgiveness straightforwardly and without judgment. We are willing to forgive others.
8. Right action. We make a list of all persons we harm and are willing and able to actively make amends to them all, unless to do so would be harmful.
9. Right livelihood. We simplify our lives, realizing we are all interconnected. We select a vocation that supports our recovery.
10. Right effort. We realize that continuing to follow this path, no matter what, is joyful effort.
11. Right mindfulness. Through prayer, meditation and action we will follow the path of kindness, being mindful moment by moment.
12. Right concentration. Open to the spirit of awakening as a result of these steps, we will carry this message to all people suffering with addictions.

If you’re interested in Buddhism and how it can help you in your recovery, you can also check out these sites:
http://www.buddhistrecovery.com/
http://www.dharmapunx.com/index.asp
http://www.kevingriffin.com
http://open-mind.org/News/SH/23.htm
http://www.geocities.com/bodhi_01au/index.html
http://www.viacorp.com/addiction.html
http://www.flatmajic.com/spirituality/Buddhism/buddhismandrecovery.htm

I gotta tell you…the planets seem to be aligning and (dare I say it) my higher power is revealing the gifts in my life to me at every turn. My children are happy and healthy, my marriage is better than ever, my business is starting to show real promise, and I’m finally involved in my community and meeting people. I’ve been hit with some small challenges here and there (financial woes and character flaws, oh my), but I’m handling them and they are being worked out. Lo and behold, I think I may actually be getting a life!

The old me keeps wanting to ignore all the good stuff and wait for the other shoe to drop, but the sober me wants to enjoy the now. I think the sober me is winning.

BTW, my favorite part of meetings is when the promises are read aloud so I’ve created a page to read them every day to myself.

Well, I made it through my first holiday sober. Woot! Woot! We had a lovely, low key Thanksgiving with old friends, new friends and some family sprinkled in. Other than a close call where I almost drank my dad’s “ice water” (it was actually vodka tonic), the day was lively, peaceful and enjoyed by all. Although I don’t eat turkey, dinner was a fabulous feast. The sad news is that I don’t have any pictures because I seem to have lost my ever-present, much loved camera. I am so bummed. So, so, bummed.

We spent most of the weekend down at the Outpost selling Christmas trees in our first hastily thrown together Cub Scouts fundraiser. We sold about half of our trees (at least 2 folks from my Saturday morning AA meeting bought trees), but, luckily we have the support of the store down there that will continue to sell them for us throughout the week. Honestly, this whole cub scouts thing has been a really good experience. It’s a lot of work (and I have to agree with Trudge that it’s kinda weird), but it makes Max so happy. He loves the scouts and he loves having his parents involved in leading the pack. One thing I’m learning about this area, is that it’s very diverse. I know that deserves further explanation, but I’ll just leave it at that for now.

Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could;
some blunders and absurdities have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day;
you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I feel like this promise is starting to unfold for me….

“Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends—this is an experience you must not miss.” ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, Working With Others, pg. 89~

e. e. cummings Quotes: “I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.
e. e. cummings”

I’m just starting to print the program for GG’s memorial service. I feel pretty good about it; it turned out well. Most importantly, I know that Ginnie would really like it. She was always very sweet and complimentary when it came to me and anything I created or wrote. I hope everyone else likes it. I wanted to put a picture of me and Ginnie on my wedding day, but decided against it. It’s strange, but I find it very therapeutic to work on these programs. I discovered that while doing my grandpa’s program. It was painful, but cathartic, to search through pictures and try and find the appropriate wording to fit the person. It’s a good opportunity to really think about the person and my relationship with them. (Man, I still miss my grandpa so much.) I think I’m still a little bit in denial about Ginnie, though. I have this shadow feeling that we’re just going down to visit her. We’ll be leaving for SJ later today. I’m a little nervous about going into the “real world.” I’ve lived such a manufactured, sheltered existence this last month plus, I’m not sure how I’ll do. I don’t go anywhere where people are drinking or where there’s the opportunity for me to have alcohol. Not yet, anyway. Frankly, I don’t want to drink right now, but once I go to the service, I’m sure I’ll run to run to my old devil friend wine. Oh well, fun in sobriety, eh? We’re also planning on going down to MH and visiting with Wyatt. That should be interesting. “Can I have a diet coke, please?” Jeff told him that I quit drinking, but not the whole rehab story. Anyway, there’s still a bunch to do, so I should get back to work….

Below is a link to Ginnie’s obituary that my dad wrote for the SJ Mercury News:
http://www.legacy.com/MercuryNews/LegacySubPage2.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=3437845

To sign Ginnie’s online guestbook:
http://www.legacy.com/MercuryNews/Guestbook.asp?Page=Guestbook&PersonID=3437845

Virginia “Ginnie” Keller
Virginia ‘Ginnie’ Keller Loving mother of three sons, Walt, Robert, and Randall Keller, passed away peacefully in her home on April 14, 2005. at the age of 82. Beloved grandmother of Katie, Kayla, and Russann Keller, and great-grandmother of Max and Abby VonGunden.

Born in Texas, with three sisters and one brother, Ginnie married Ruben George Keller in 1948 and settled in California. After retiring from Glendale Federal, Ginnie was able to spend more time doing the things she loved, golfing, cooking, and especially, being with her grandchildren.

Mom, grandma, aunt, sister, and friend, we’ll miss your sweet smile, giving way, loving support and our wonderful times together.

Friends are invited to attend a memorial service for Ginnie on Sunday, April 24th, 2:00 p.m. at the Chapel of Roses, Oak Hill Funeral Home, 300 Curtner Ave., in San Jose, California.

Published in the San Jose Mercury News on 4/20/2005.

Our Family - April 2005 Originally uploaded by burbzilla.

This is all of us just before we went to Ginnie’s Memorial Service.
Ginnie’s memorial service was really lovely. I sat in the back through most of it because I needed to be able to drag Abby out quickly. Walt and Terry gave lovely eulogies that really reflected how generous and loving Virginia was. Bob also was very moving and played beautifully. It’s strange, but I could really feel her presence there. Ginnie had this quality where she made everyone feel special and welcome. She always made me feel like I was so creative and talented. I miss that. Ginnie’s service brought up a lot of memories of last year and my grandpa’s passing. For some reason, I’ve been really missing my grandpa the last couple of weeks. Walt said that he went to put his eulogy for his mother in his suit pocket and pulled out my grandpa’s eulogy. How sad and poignant. I also realized while I was down there how much I miss my grandma. She’s supposed to be coming to visit soon, but it’s not soon enough. I don’t like just “visiting” her. I’m used to always being around my grandma…I don’t want to just see her on special occasions. I didn’t think I would miss her so much when I moved here.