Cycles

I’m having a hard time keeping up with my blog (duh). I’m struggling a bit and just have such a hard time articulating how I feel. It’s so much easier to just smile and say every thing’s fine…and hope that no one catches me pushing everything under the carpet. I’m not really afraid that I’ll drink. I’m just afraid that what’s wrong with me can’t be fixed…what if I’m one of the hopeless few that are incapable of being honest? Maybe it’s just part of my mood cycle. Maybe it’s the holidays and the  memory of what an ass I made of myself the last year before I went to treatment. Maybe it’s just easier to feel sorry for myself and be miserable than deal with reality. Who knows.

On the road…

Tomorrow I get on an airplane for the first time since I got sober. I’m breaking out of my safe little world and venturing forth to a tradeshow (it’s been years since I worked a show) and then for a little r-n-r with the kiddos, my Ps and my best friend’s family. I’m excited and really frightened. I’m confronting a bunch of “issues” in the next few days and feeling just a wee bit apprehensive. It’s one thing to site behind my computer screen and work in my little cyber-marketing cocoon…it’s quite another to get back out there and interact with our customers and partners. Like a grown up. Heady shit, man.

Then there’s Disneyworld with the kiddos. That should be a blast. Max probably doesn’t remember when we went there a few years ago and little Abby has never been. Nervous about Paradise Island with the grown ups, but I think I can handle it. If not, I’ll leave. Pretty simple, really.

After DW, we’re going to Missouri to celebrate my Great grandma’s 100th birthday. She’s an amazing woman and I can’t wait to see her again. And hopefully I won’t have a panic attack like the last time we flew into that effing tornado in Kansas City!

Wish me luck!

Information Overload

Like most people, my day is infused, deluged, and rains information. I try to soak it all up and process it, but sometimes that’s just not possible. In my ever present quest for balance, I fail on a daily basis…but I never stop trying. There’s just too much out there to learn, read, live, hear, try.

So, just to prove to you what a diverse, evolved individual I am (or severely unfocused ADD adult), here’s a sampling of what on my radar today:

A quick scan of my friends in recovery always starts the day.

Then a couple of blogs/articles:
Web 2.0 feels good, but where’s the business model?

Wonkette’s send off to poor Tom Delay: Time: Hammer, Stop

eWeek’s “Open Source Apps Find Footing…”

Plenty Mag’s: Which is the Greener Gender and Minus One for the Trees.

And also downloading some podcasts to my iPod to listen to on the way to town, while doing dishes, and to mediate to.

Holy crap, there’s a lot of stuff out there! Now back to work…

[tags]podcasts, blogs, recovery, information, diversity[/tags]

Recovery on TV

Maybe it’s because I’m in [tag]recovery[/tag] or maybe it’s because I watch too much [tag]TV[/tag], but have you noticed that a lot of programs are featuring storylines relating to [tag]AA[/tag] or [tag]alcoholism[/tag]?

• Grey’s Anatomy - Dr. Webber’s sponsor shows up as a patient and holds a meeting in her room
• Desperate Housewives - Bree is sliding down that slippery slope
• The L Word - Kit is in recovery
• The Sopranos - Christopher takes his sponsor to a funeral

Updated: March 31, 2006:

• Without a Trace - one of the characters is addicted prescription painkillers
• Surreal Life - 3 of the celebs are sober…not sure if that qualifies as “recovery”

From Debra:

• West Wing - Leo (the actor John Spencer was a recovering alcoholic who asked that every character he played also be in recovery).
• ER - Abby is in recovery (along with Carter).

[tags]media, addiction[/tags]

I’m okay, you’re okay.

I made it past that one year mark. Strange to think that I have not consumed [tag]alcohol[/tag] in any form in the last 12 months. I know it’s a “one day at a time” program and I know I shouldn’t place a lot of weight on anything longer than 24 hours, but it sure feels good. It feels like I’m starting to live the life I was meant to…that I’m laying the groundwork for living a productive life in [tag]recovery[/tag] [tag]sober[/tag].

Thank you, friends, for your kind comments.

In other news, our scouts are building birdhouses. And they’re very cool and very boy.

[tags]anniversary, one year, cub scouts, birdhouse[/tags]

1 Year

I made it to my first sobriety birthday. Did you hear that whoosh of air? I think I’ve been holding my breath for the last twelve months. But, now, I can breath and I have hope. With the help of my higher power, my family, and your fellowship, I will be able to stay sober and live the life I was supposed to. Pretty cool stuff.

If I can stay sober for one day, one month, one year, then maybe I can do anything. And, maybe, so can you. Put your hand in my hand and we’ll do this together.

And another one’s gone

I can’t believe it. We’ve lost another person from my home group. So sad.

Happy happy birthday, baby.

Today is my baby girl’s third birthday. This day not only evokes all kinds of thoughts that we all have on the day our children celebrate another year of life, but also about my growth as her mother this last year. I won’t go into drunkalog detail, but surfice it to say that I nearly blew everything the eve my baby’s birthday last year. I am not a perfect person, but I’m pretty sure I’m a whole lot more valuable to my family and the world if I’m sober.

Today I am [tag]grateful[/tag] for my children, my life, my sobriety, my god, and rediscovering my creativity.

BTW, I decided to rechannel my new knitting obsession and keep it seperate from my plain old life blog here. If you’re interested in the knitting and craft stuff, please visit purlz.net.

[tags]sobriety, creativity, gratitude, birthday, family[/tags]

Moving forward

Happy Valentine’s Day! Today is good day. We had a nice morning with the kids before going our seperate ways for the day. Yesterday, I had one of those wreckage things hanging over my head (can you say “taxes”) that I finally faced and dealt with. Well, I’m in the process of dealing with it anyway. And it feels great. It’s so strange how I have so much trouble dealing with these stressful things that pop up in life. Something that is a minor thorn in my side can fester and become this huge gaping hole that keeps me up at night and (used to) drive me to drink. When I’m forced to confront these demons, I’m almost always surprised at how easy the issue is to resolve once I dive in and how good it feels once the monkey is off my back.

On the knitting front, I wasn’t happy with my single [tag]cast-on[/tag] method so I went to KnittingHelp and easily learned a very cool double cast-on method. The Net is very nifty. My sweet mom gave me a huge skein of the most lovely, lucious red chenille and a pair of Clover bamboo circulars (size 6). After the [tag]Knitting Olympics[/tag] are over and I finish my felted purse, I’m going to knit myself a plush scarf.

It’s a good day to be sober and knitting.

[tags]recovery, yarn, Valentine’s Day, felted[/tags]

The Knitting Olympics

Here on my 11 month anniversary of [tag]sobriety[/tag] and my 4th week of [tag]knitting[/tag], I think I’m ready (not) to take on the [tag]Knitting Olympics[/tag]. Since the project needs to be complete by the end of the real [tag]Olympics[/tag] I’ve decided to knit a darling little purse for Princess Baby Monster’s 3rd birthday. Cool, huh?

[tag]recovery, crafts[/tag]

And another one’s gone…

Another person from my homegroup died. This will be the 3rd in just the last several months. I don’t know how she died yet, but I suspect it was suicide. Poor Mary. Rest in peace, hon.

[tag]death, aa, recovery[/tag]

Old Habits Die Hard

As I creep closer to that one year birthday of sobriety, I have this weird compulsion to relive all of the drama of last year. “How was I screwing everything up this time last year,” is the common question scrolling through the newsfeeder in my mind. Frankly, it doesn’t feel good so I don’t know why I do it. Eek, I’ve got to shake this funk of mine. Need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just deal, right?

Thank goodness for my knitting lesson tonight. I’m learning to purl…how cool is that?

Just one day at a time.

“The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time.” -Abraham Lincoln

Ahmen, brother. To me, one of the most prophetic messages I’ve learned from AA is that oldie, but goodie: One Day at a Time. Why on earth is it so friggin’ difficult to deal with life on a daily basis? Is this a problem we all have?

Buddhism and Recovery

As with a lot of people in recovery, the keystone of my sobriety is my relationship with a higher power. I literally had to start from scratch “formulating” the idea of god, let alone trying to develop a relationship with it/him/her. Frankly, I was completely and totally spiritually bankrupt. On my journey I have read and learned heaps and heaps of good stuff while slowly coming to terms with what I believe in and what God’s will meant to me. One of the spiritual/philosophical practices that really appeals to me is that of Buddhism. There’s an amazing library of resources out there for alcoholics and addicts attracted to Buddhism. By far the most compelling and valuable book I’ve read to date is Kevin Griffin’s One Breath at a Time: Buddhism and the Twelve Steps. I just love how cleanly (and simply) he ties the two schools of thought together and makes them easy to understand and practice. The next book I plan to read along this same topic is Noah Levine’s Dharma Punx, which also looks pretty good. Someday, when I get some spare time, I’ll write up reviews on both of these and some of the others I’ve read.

Although, I have no interest in rewriting the 12 steps of AA (they’re working just fine for me the way they are, thank you very much), I did find an interesting interpretation of them on the website for the Lion’s Roar Dharma Center Recovery Group (see below).

The 12 Steps of Liberation

1. The truth of suffering. We experienced the truth of our addictions – our lives were unmanageable suffering.
2. The truth of the origin of suffering. We admit that we craved for and grasped onto addictions as our refuge.
3. The truth of the end of suffering. We came to see that complete cessation of craving and clinging at addictions is necessary.
4. The truth of the path. We made a decision to follow the way of liberation and to take refuge in our wakefulness, our truth, and our fellowship.
5. Right view. We made a searching and fearless review of our life. We are willing to acknowledge and proclaim our truth to ourselves, another human being and the community.
6. Right thought. We are mindful that we create the causes for suffering and liberation. Our goodness is indestructible.
7. Right speech. We purify, confess and ask for forgiveness straightforwardly and without judgment. We are willing to forgive others.
8. Right action. We make a list of all persons we harm and are willing and able to actively make amends to them all, unless to do so would be harmful.
9. Right livelihood. We simplify our lives, realizing we are all interconnected. We select a vocation that supports our recovery.
10. Right effort. We realize that continuing to follow this path, no matter what, is joyful effort.
11. Right mindfulness. Through prayer, meditation and action we will follow the path of kindness, being mindful moment by moment.
12. Right concentration. Open to the spirit of awakening as a result of these steps, we will carry this message to all people suffering with addictions.

If you’re interested in Buddhism and how it can help you in your recovery, you can also check out these sites:
http://www.buddhistrecovery.com/
http://www.dharmapunx.com/index.asp
http://www.kevingriffin.com
http://open-mind.org/News/SH/23.htm
http://www.geocities.com/bodhi_01au/index.html
http://www.viacorp.com/addiction.html
http://www.flatmajic.com/spirituality/Buddhism/buddhismandrecovery.htm

Grateful

I’m am so grateful. Why, you ask? Well, for starters here are some warm, squishies…

• Finding my higher power
• I made it through the holidays…sober.
• My wonderful family
• My cranky, wonderful, understanding, affectionate, loving, lazy husband
• My darling, sweet, innocent, energetic, smart, wacky kids
• The lush, green Oregon mountains
• My new friend
• AA
• Laughter and love
• Santa Claus
• White noise
• Cozy toes in warm Uggs

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve,
originally uploaded by rustykeller.

All I need to do is look at this picture for one single second and I’m instantly reminded why my recovery is so important. Look at their darling faces; they’re so happy and full of the promise of the next day. I’m so blessed.

Checking in

I’m still here. Still sober at 9 months! Madly dashing here and there, trying to be super-medicore-mom while trying to juggle Christmas tasks, work, and child rearing responsibilities. I’m a little tired (I have that crappy cold that’s going around), but feeling pretty stable and happy. Max’s Holiday program at school last night was amazing. He wasn’t fidgeting (or picking his nose) and he sang all the right words (no “Batman smells, Robin laid an egg…”). I was so proud I thought my heart might explode.

This weekend we’re caroling over at my Grandma’s complex with the cub scouts. That should be a friggin’ hoot, considering how cold it is here and how much we haven’t practiced our songs. Good, clean, Christmas fun.

Anyway, I have tons of stuff to talk about but no time to do it. So, this is just a quick check in mommyblogging entry.

Internal Conflict

The hardest thing about being me is all the ugly resentments and imagined slights I have swirling around in my head and my gut. Because I choose to use my real name on this blog and because some of the players in my real life may occassionally visit here, I am slightly limited in what I can say and spew. Maybe that’s good, maybe it’s not. Obviously, we should always be careful what we say/write as it ends up on some blogspere permanent record that we can’t edit or “take back.” Sometimes, though, I just need to vent and I thought this would be my forum. Now, I just don’t feel comfortable doing it.

For instance, I live and work on the same property with my parents. Sort of makes it difficult to say pretty much anything about work or home-related issues. Need I say more? Actually, I have so much more I need to get out and write about…things about work, things about family life, things about me. I guess I should do that in my journal, huh?

Woo! Wee!

I gotta tell you…the planets seem to be aligning and (dare I say it) my higher power is revealing the gifts in my life to me at every turn. My children are happy and healthy, my marriage is better than ever, my business is starting to show real promise, and I’m finally involved in my community and meeting people. I’ve been hit with some small challenges here and there (financial woes and character flaws, oh my), but I’m handling them and they are being worked out. Lo and behold, I think I may actually be getting a life!

The old me keeps wanting to ignore all the good stuff and wait for the other shoe to drop, but the sober me wants to enjoy the now. I think the sober me is winning.

BTW, my favorite part of meetings is when the promises are read aloud so I’ve created a page to read them every day to myself.

267 Days

Can that be? I have not had a drink with alcohol in 267 days. Holy shit, I’m a friggin’ miracle. I love AA. I love my life.

On another topic, it’s snowing and raining out here in the lovely Pacific Northwest. I think it’s called sleet. It’s cold. And slushy. And cold. Do I really want to drag the kids out tomorrow night into the frozen slushy tundra for the local tree lighting and parade? Max really, really wants to ride his little float with our little cub scout pack. But it’s so, uh, cold.

BTW, in case you were wondering, I suck at sewing patches. Max’s appreciation is wonderful, but it doesn’t make me a better patch sewer.