New Beginnings

Experts believe genetic factors account for up to 60 percent of a person’s vulnerability to drug addiction, with environmental factors accounting for the remainder.

Read the entire article on Yahoo.

Yesterday there was a fatal accident on the 2 lane highway from town to our more rural house. When we drove by, they hadn’t yet removed the man’s body from the wreckage. As I tried to distract my son (who is prone to nightmares) to look away, the practicing alcoholic in the passenger starting yelling, “Look, he’s dead! There’s his arm hanging out…blah, blah, blah.” Fuckwit.

So it turns out that the dead guy is a fairly well known drunk/drugged driver (lied his way out of a drunk driving manslaughter conviction some years ago). I guess he took the curve too wide and drove head on into a gravel truck. I thank god that I don’t have to be that guy and that this disease hasn’t killed me yet.

Study Says Young Drinking Underestimated

Surprise, surprise. The Guardian Unlimited reports that alcohol is to blame for most violent offenses. Read the article:
   

Drink most to blame for violent offences | Special Reports | Guardian Unlimited Politics

Oh, yeah, and there’s that ever effective AA thing…but they neglected to mention that.

Third of Americans Have Alcohol Problems at Some Point (Washington Post):
There are many new medications and behavioral treatments, Grant said.
“But most people, including physicians, don’t realize the new
state-of-the-art treatment,” she said. “Basically, we need a national
campaign to educate physicians and lay people that there are treatments
out there, and they are effective.

How do you manage exceptionally stressful days? I mean really? For those of us friends of Bill, we have some tools to help us cope, turn it over, surrender, the serenity prayer, and all that great 12 step advice passed on through AA. But sometimes all that knowledge and power just flies out of my head and I’m left a seething, pissed off, ready-to-kick-the-shit-out-of-something woman. Not a pretty picture, but real, nonetheless. How am I supposed to keep my composure (aka not drink, break any laws, hit someone, or start crying) until my remaining brain cells kick back in enough to keep me out of trouble? Sometimes I’m just too far gone to count my blessings and forgive my counterpart, or whatever. How? How? How!? Ack. I had a really crappy day at work the other day and then received some not good news from doctor. Ah, yes, then dealing with the bank…I swear, I thought we had more money than that. I felt like my head was gonna explode. So I went for a walk. That’s a new tactic for me. When I feel depressed I just want to sleep. I fought it this time. And it did help. And writing here helped. And now I should probably go to a meeting, eh?

I seem to pulling out of my funk a bit and starting to face some of that wreckage (taxes) I keep having nightmares about.

I went to my home group meeting on Saturday morning and ran into my former counselor from the treatment center I got sober at. He’s a neighbor, too…well, he lives on the same road, anyway. He’s a good guy and seemed happy to see me and see that I was still sober. I have a feeling that longterm success is not the norm for him. That would get depressing. It was a great meeting. I think it was the first time I really felt like I needed a meeting. And I walked out feeling part of the fellowship of AA. That doesn’t happen too often.

Also made it to my women’s meeting last night and made an effort to be prepared for discussion of the 5th Tradition.  And I did contribute (which is really, really hard for me). I’m really making an effort to get involved and meet some folks in the fellowship. Unfortunately, my friend T is not going to meetings and the last time I saw her at the kid’s school, she smelled like booze. I miss her so much. I used to talk her every day.

Addiction sucks. I hate it.

I feel very on edge today. I hesitate to even blog about it because I don’t particularly care to have my whining and negativity be a part of public permanent record. When I feel myself becoming irritated easily and drifting away from authenticity towards the fake “every thing’s cool” me, then I know it’s time for a little self evaluation and honest introspection. What’s really bugging me and what’s my part in it? Instead of actually sitting here and venting about all the little things that are annoying me, I think I will use the time to take my own inventory (a novel idea!) and not the inventory of the 2 guys I work with that I find so effing annoying right now. I’ll try not to dwell on the unsettling phone conversation I had with my fence sitting friend, CT, last night. I will try to look inside for real answers and solutions, do a little book study and mediation, and try to have a positive attitude.

Ack. I can’t wait until my meeting tomorrow morning and a nice late breakfast with my sponsor. I definitely could use some conversation with a friend/mentor with longterm sobriety.

(this picture was taken by me at the Grand Canyon a few days after Sept. 11, 2001)

I received an email today announcing the death of a fellowship member. He had 56 years in the program. Fifty six years sober. Wow. Is that not a miracle? For those of us that need little reminders that the program works, I think that’s a pretty good one. It works for me.

BTW, this picture was taken on my deck outside my front door.

Signed,
Just another brainwashed AA cult member

The horrible tragedy at VA Tech has given fuel to discussions on a myriad of topics, including depression, suicide, rage, bullying, gun control, mental illness, racial prejudice, media freedom, and immigration. As these kind of horrors can only be brought on by a complex set of circumstances in a diverse society, I don’t pretend that there is any one answer to preventing what happened. Sometimes there is nothing to be done. But I do think that we can do our part in recognizing windows of opportunity to provide compassion and safety for those that need it most.

As a recovering alcoholic, I know what it’s like to live in pain and carry secrets that I feel no one understands or can forgive. When I entered rehab, and later, AA, I learned that I was not alone in how I felt. My story did not always match the experience of others, but there was no denying that we all share some of the same feelings of pain, shame, fear, and self loathing. I vow to try and be compassionate and supportive when someone looks like they need help. I’m going to try and overcome my own ridiculous selfisms and smile at people even if they don’t smile back. I will try to be kind and patient, even when I don’t feel like it. I will try to express lovingkindness to all. I will try to not take it all so personally. I am not alone. We are not alone.

If you are in crisis or need someone to talk to and don’t feel you have anyone you can trust or turn to, please contact the Kristin Brooks Hope Center at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433).

Sometimes, if I open my eyes wide enough and truly pay attention, I can see the miracles around me. My friend coming back to her family after going back out. GC getting a DUI and not running. Instead, he goes to jail, can come to work every day, and decides he likes being sober. After a lifetime of drinking, drugging, and running, he says he’s done. My husband got a promotion at work. A little one, but it’s recognition of the work he’s put in. My son hasn’t picked up his GameBoy in a week because he’s obsessed with becoming a yo-yo master. My daughter showed me could sign “I love you,” and is now sleeping in her own bed…all night. My best friend might be pregnant with No. 2. Just in time. It’s likely that my mom doesn’t have thyroid cancer and she’s found the best surgeon to operate on her throat. My grandma is lovely and active. I am sober.

I am blessed.

In the Art of Happiness the Dalai Lama says the antidotes to hate and anger are tolerance and patience. Because I seem to be filled with various levels of hate and anger lately I’m going to make a concentrated effort to work on neutralizing these negative feelings by actively combating them with tolerance and patience. That coupled with the card I drew during my women’s group (”Don’t take it personally”) should give me plenty to mediate on for the next month or so.

Is it true what my son says? Am I turning into a hippie? Somebody shoot me when I start rubbing patchouli on myself…

1. Blue skies and tulips.
2. The health of my children.
3. Support from my parents.
4. A husband that loves me for me (as odd as I am).
5. My home group.
6. My best friend, MoMo.
7. Hope.
8. My grandma.

Go visit the online recovery community, Women in Recovery.

Technorati Tags: women, recovery, sobriety, community, message boards, aa

So I went to my first women’s group meeting last night. I’m definitely glad to be part of the group, but it was definitely unlike any meeting I’d ever been to. First of all, it’s not really an AA meeting, but a 12 step meeting. And it’s more like a class environment where  they take “roll” and we must call at least one member each week. There are study sheets, homework, and pot lucks. Very different. Of course, in my book different is always a good thing.

Technorati Tags: aa, women, group, 12 step

Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet

For more wisdom from the Dalai Lama, please see the Zaadz website. For more information on Buddhism and recovery visit Dharma Punx, Kevin Griffith, or Buddhist Recovery.

I’ve really been struggling with my not-so-private blog life. I worry that as I become more of an active member of my community and a more productive member of society whether I shouldn’t keep my posts pertaining to alcoholism and my recovery less public. I wonder about how my openness about addiction may have a negative effect on my children, my husband, my parents, my co-workers and friends. I’m very active in my son’s school and teach a couple of classes there…I wouldn’t want parents to be concerned about my recovery and how it might effect their children. On the other hand, my honesty and openness about my alcoholism is a huge part of my recovery. At some point, I’m going to need to resolve this issue with myself. Argh.

In the meantime, I would like to briefly mention that someone I love dearly and have become very good friends with has decided to go back out. She’s a wonderful person that’s had a very difficult life and lives with some daily struggles. Please pray for her. I miss her terribly and hope that she’s safe. I hope that she finds the courage to find her way back.

The Addiction Project is produced by HBO in partnership with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the
National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) and the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). To get help, find out more about addiction, or read information about the documentary please the visit the HBO: Addiction website.

There is another part of my story that I haven’t really shared with others and it has to do with the gastric bypass surgery I had several years ago. I had surgery to lose weight so I could safely have another child. And I did. But after Abby’s birth my social drinking turned into a full blown problem that almost destroyed my family (not to mention packing back on 2/3 of the weight I’d lost). Although alcoholism does not run in my family, I realized fairly quickly that I had a severe problem. I got treatment and I found AA. Now I’m working on all the issues I needed to confront and deal with so many years ago. I never really shared this part of my story because I was afraid the AA fellowship might accuse me of making excuses. I’m not. My gastric bypass and my accelerated trip into alcoholism is part of my experience. Maybe I’m luckier this way. Because drinking after WLS (Weight Loss Surgery) was like injecting alcohol directly into my bloodstream maybe I’m lucky that I had to stop now and start on my spiritual journey in my 30s instead of drinking for another 20 years and trying to clean up that much wreckage. Anyway, I’ve discovered that I’m not the only one who has taken this path. Below are some links that discuss the issue of alcoholism after WLS. I would love to hear from other women (and men) that have become alcoholic after WLS so please email me privately at zenrusty at gmail dot com or leave a comment. We’re always stronger together.

• Beyond Change: Recommendations on the use of alcohol after WLS
• Carnie Wilson and Alcoholism after WLS - here, here and here
• After Gastric Bypass: Drunk Faster?
• WSJ article: The New Addiction
• Personal Stories from alcoholic woman who’ve had WLS
• Alcoholism and WLS
• Patty’s Story
• WLS Center Newsletter
• ObesityHelp’s Message Board Topic: alcoholism
• ABC News: After Gastric Bypass Surgery, Women Battle Alcoholism

Edited 10/22/07: I have received many emails and comments from people in the middle of the struggle I found myself in not so long ago. Your story does not have to have a sad ending. There is help, if you’re willing to get sober at all costs. Let go of your preconceived notions about recovery groups, realize that it is not going to get better until you get help, and then ask for help. Find out where an AA meeting is and GO! Find a local or online WFS meeting NOW! If I can do this thing, so can you.

BTW, I don’t consider my alcoholism a transfer of my addiction. This is a physical disease (with psychological characteristics) that may be tied to, but not caused by my “issues.” I don’t believe that I abused alcohol and then became an alcoholic. I believe I had surgery, had a glass of wine and experienced a completely different reaction to the alcohol almost immediately. I guess the question now is how do we spread the word of the dangers of drinking alcohol (even a small amount) after weight loss surgery? Obviously, it does no good to try and get doctors to discuss this with their patients with so much money at stake….who will care enough?

Please read my letter to post operative WLS patients that think they might have a drinking problem.

The ole spiritual clouds are starting to clear. Feeling a little better and a little less sorry for myself.

The truth shall set me free….