New Beginnings

The horrible tragedy at VA Tech has given fuel to discussions on a myriad of topics, including depression, suicide, rage, bullying, gun control, mental illness, racial prejudice, media freedom, and immigration. As these kind of horrors can only be brought on by a complex set of circumstances in a diverse society, I don’t pretend that there is any one answer to preventing what happened. Sometimes there is nothing to be done. But I do think that we can do our part in recognizing windows of opportunity to provide compassion and safety for those that need it most.

As a recovering alcoholic, I know what it’s like to live in pain and carry secrets that I feel no one understands or can forgive. When I entered rehab, and later, AA, I learned that I was not alone in how I felt. My story did not always match the experience of others, but there was no denying that we all share some of the same feelings of pain, shame, fear, and self loathing. I vow to try and be compassionate and supportive when someone looks like they need help. I’m going to try and overcome my own ridiculous selfisms and smile at people even if they don’t smile back. I will try to be kind and patient, even when I don’t feel like it. I will try to express lovingkindness to all. I will try to not take it all so personally. I am not alone. We are not alone.

If you are in crisis or need someone to talk to and don’t feel you have anyone you can trust or turn to, please contact the Kristin Brooks Hope Center at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433).

Go visit the online recovery community, Women in Recovery.

Technorati Tags: women, recovery, sobriety, community, message boards, aa

So I went to my first women’s group meeting last night. I’m definitely glad to be part of the group, but it was definitely unlike any meeting I’d ever been to. First of all, it’s not really an AA meeting, but a 12 step meeting. And it’s more like a class environment where  they take “roll” and we must call at least one member each week. There are study sheets, homework, and pot lucks. Very different. Of course, in my book different is always a good thing.

Technorati Tags: aa, women, group, 12 step

Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.

-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet

For more wisdom from the Dalai Lama, please see the Zaadz website. For more information on Buddhism and recovery visit Dharma Punx, Kevin Griffith, or Buddhist Recovery.

I’ve really been struggling with my not-so-private blog life. I worry that as I become more of an active member of my community and a more productive member of society whether I shouldn’t keep my posts pertaining to alcoholism and my recovery less public. I wonder about how my openness about addiction may have a negative effect on my children, my husband, my parents, my co-workers and friends. I’m very active in my son’s school and teach a couple of classes there…I wouldn’t want parents to be concerned about my recovery and how it might effect their children. On the other hand, my honesty and openness about my alcoholism is a huge part of my recovery. At some point, I’m going to need to resolve this issue with myself. Argh.

In the meantime, I would like to briefly mention that someone I love dearly and have become very good friends with has decided to go back out. She’s a wonderful person that’s had a very difficult life and lives with some daily struggles. Please pray for her. I miss her terribly and hope that she’s safe. I hope that she finds the courage to find her way back.

The Addiction Project is produced by HBO in partnership with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the
National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) and the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). To get help, find out more about addiction, or read information about the documentary please the visit the HBO: Addiction website.

There is another part of my story that I haven’t really shared with others and it has to do with the gastric bypass surgery I had several years ago. I had surgery to lose weight so I could safely have another child. And I did. But after Abby’s birth my social drinking turned into a full blown problem that almost destroyed my family (not to mention packing back on 2/3 of the weight I’d lost). Although alcoholism does not run in my family, I realized fairly quickly that I had a severe problem. I got treatment and I found AA. Now I’m working on all the issues I needed to confront and deal with so many years ago. I never really shared this part of my story because I was afraid the AA fellowship might accuse me of making excuses. I’m not. My gastric bypass and my accelerated trip into alcoholism is part of my experience. Maybe I’m luckier this way. Because drinking after WLS (Weight Loss Surgery) was like injecting alcohol directly into my bloodstream maybe I’m lucky that I had to stop now and start on my spiritual journey in my 30s instead of drinking for another 20 years and trying to clean up that much wreckage. Anyway, I’ve discovered that I’m not the only one who has taken this path. Below are some links that discuss the issue of alcoholism after WLS. I would love to hear from other women (and men) that have become alcoholic after WLS so please email me privately at zenrusty at gmail dot com or leave a comment. We’re always stronger together.

• Beyond Change: Recommendations on the use of alcohol after WLS
• Carnie Wilson and Alcoholism after WLS - here, here and here
• After Gastric Bypass: Drunk Faster?
• WSJ article: The New Addiction
• Personal Stories from alcoholic woman who’ve had WLS
• Alcoholism and WLS
• Patty’s Story
• WLS Center Newsletter
• ObesityHelp’s Message Board Topic: alcoholism
• ABC News: After Gastric Bypass Surgery, Women Battle Alcoholism

Edited 10/22/07: I have received many emails and comments from people in the middle of the struggle I found myself in not so long ago. Your story does not have to have a sad ending. There is help, if you’re willing to get sober at all costs. Let go of your preconceived notions about recovery groups, realize that it is not going to get better until you get help, and then ask for help. Find out where an AA meeting is and GO! Find a local or online WFS meeting NOW! If I can do this thing, so can you.

BTW, I don’t consider my alcoholism a transfer of my addiction. This is a physical disease (with psychological characteristics) that may be tied to, but not caused by my “issues.” I don’t believe that I abused alcohol and then became an alcoholic. I believe I had surgery, had a glass of wine and experienced a completely different reaction to the alcohol almost immediately. I guess the question now is how do we spread the word of the dangers of drinking alcohol (even a small amount) after weight loss surgery? Obviously, it does no good to try and get doctors to discuss this with their patients with so much money at stake….who will care enough?

Please read my letter to post operative WLS patients that think they might have a drinking problem.

…the serenity prayer.

• Sick: pneumonia and a hideous strep infection in my lymph nodes (rocked my effing world)
• Celebrating my 2nd sobriety anniversary (3/9!)
• Moving my company (to town we go)
• Going to industry tradeshows (traveling sucks)
• Getting ready to teach a new class at my son’s school (my passion)
• Planning and giving my daughter’s 4th birthday (my angel)
• Getting my head straight and getting back to basics (my recovery)

Yeah, so basically, I had a bunch of crap rolling around my head and was having a really hard time articulating anything, verbally or written. Then a couple rounds with some nasty illnesses and a relapsing friend sent me into a tailspin. Through my higher power’s grace and the unending support of my family, I feel refreshed and excited. There’s really no in-between with me, is there? Oh well. Try hanging out in my head for a little while. Yikes.

I’m having a hard time keeping up with my blog (duh). I’m struggling a bit and just have such a hard time articulating how I feel. It’s so much easier to just smile and say every thing’s fine…and hope that no one catches me pushing everything under the carpet. I’m not really afraid that I’ll drink. I’m just afraid that what’s wrong with me can’t be fixed…what if I’m one of the hopeless few that are incapable of being honest? Maybe it’s just part of my mood cycle. Maybe it’s the holidays and the  memory of what an ass I made of myself the last year before I went to treatment. Maybe it’s just easier to feel sorry for myself and be miserable than deal with reality. Who knows.

Today, I am particularily grateful for:

1. My mom. She just seems to know when I reach a breaking point.
2. My job. I enjoy what I do and I’m able to be there for my children
3. My son’s school. I never thought I’d say that, but it’s turned into the little school that kicks butt.
4. The beauty of the river and this gorgeous valley I live and work in.
5. The Monday night meeting at the library. Excellent fellowship and conversation.
6. Sobriety. Duh.
7. My sposnor. She’s like an angel.
8. Felted soap. I know, I know…I’m a simple girl.

After feeling stalled for the last couple of months, I feel renewed in my committment to my program and living a sober, happy life. I finally was able to complete my 5th step after sitting on my 4th step for almost a year. Frankly, it was a little anti-climatic, but a relief, nonetheless. My mom has generously offered to watch the kids on Monday nights (when Jeff’s not home) so that I can go to a book study meeting.

Did I mention that I started teaching 2 classes at Max’s school on Wednesdays? No? Hmmm…I’ll have to tell you about that. It’s amazing how much everything has changed in the last 18 months.

Like most people, my day is infused, deluged, and rains information. I try to soak it all up and process it, but sometimes that’s just not possible. In my ever present quest for balance, I fail on a daily basis…but I never stop trying. There’s just too much out there to learn, read, live, hear, try.

So, just to prove to you what a diverse, evolved individual I am (or severely unfocused ADD adult), here’s a sampling of what on my radar today:

A quick scan of my friends in recovery always starts the day.

Then a couple of blogs/articles:
Web 2.0 feels good, but where’s the business model?

Wonkette’s send off to poor Tom Delay: Time: Hammer, Stop

eWeek’s “Open Source Apps Find Footing…”

Plenty Mag’s: Which is the Greener Gender and Minus One for the Trees.

And also downloading some podcasts to my iPod to listen to on the way to town, while doing dishes, and to mediate to.

Holy crap, there’s a lot of stuff out there! Now back to work…

[tags]podcasts, blogs, recovery, information, diversity[/tags]

Maybe it’s because I’m in [tag]recovery[/tag] or maybe it’s because I watch too much [tag]TV[/tag], but have you noticed that a lot of programs are featuring storylines relating to [tag]AA[/tag] or [tag]alcoholism[/tag]?

• Grey’s Anatomy - Dr. Webber’s sponsor shows up as a patient and holds a meeting in her room
• Desperate Housewives - Bree is sliding down that slippery slope
• The L Word - Kit is in recovery
• The Sopranos - Christopher takes his sponsor to a funeral

Updated: March 31, 2006:

• Without a Trace - one of the characters is addicted prescription painkillers
• Surreal Life - 3 of the celebs are sober…not sure if that qualifies as “recovery”

From Debra:

• West Wing - Leo (the actor John Spencer was a recovering alcoholic who asked that every character he played also be in recovery).
• ER - Abby is in recovery (along with Carter).

[tags]media, addiction[/tags]

I made it past that one year mark. Strange to think that I have not consumed [tag]alcohol[/tag] in any form in the last 12 months. I know it’s a “one day at a time” program and I know I shouldn’t place a lot of weight on anything longer than 24 hours, but it sure feels good. It feels like I’m starting to live the life I was meant to…that I’m laying the groundwork for living a productive life in [tag]recovery[/tag] [tag]sober[/tag].

Thank you, friends, for your kind comments.

In other news, our scouts are building birdhouses. And they’re very cool and very boy.

[tags]anniversary, one year, cub scouts, birdhouse[/tags]

I made it to my first sobriety birthday. Did you hear that whoosh of air? I think I’ve been holding my breath for the last twelve months. But, now, I can breath and I have hope. With the help of my higher power, my family, and your fellowship, I will be able to stay sober and live the life I was supposed to. Pretty cool stuff.

If I can stay sober for one day, one month, one year, then maybe I can do anything. And, maybe, so can you. Put your hand in my hand and we’ll do this together.

I can’t believe it. We’ve lost another person from my home group. So sad.

Another person from my homegroup died. This will be the 3rd in just the last several months. I don’t know how she died yet, but I suspect it was suicide. Poor Mary. Rest in peace, hon.

[tag]death, aa, recovery[/tag]

As with a lot of people in recovery, the keystone of my sobriety is my relationship with a higher power. I literally had to start from scratch “formulating” the idea of god, let alone trying to develop a relationship with it/him/her. Frankly, I was completely and totally spiritually bankrupt. On my journey I have read and learned heaps and heaps of good stuff while slowly coming to terms with what I believe in and what God’s will meant to me. One of the spiritual/philosophical practices that really appeals to me is that of Buddhism. There’s an amazing library of resources out there for alcoholics and addicts attracted to Buddhism. By far the most compelling and valuable book I’ve read to date is Kevin Griffin’s One Breath at a Time: Buddhism and the Twelve Steps. I just love how cleanly (and simply) he ties the two schools of thought together and makes them easy to understand and practice. The next book I plan to read along this same topic is Noah Levine’s Dharma Punx, which also looks pretty good. Someday, when I get some spare time, I’ll write up reviews on both of these and some of the others I’ve read.

Although, I have no interest in rewriting the 12 steps of AA (they’re working just fine for me the way they are, thank you very much), I did find an interesting interpretation of them on the website for the Lion’s Roar Dharma Center Recovery Group (see below).

The 12 Steps of Liberation

1. The truth of suffering. We experienced the truth of our addictions – our lives were unmanageable suffering.
2. The truth of the origin of suffering. We admit that we craved for and grasped onto addictions as our refuge.
3. The truth of the end of suffering. We came to see that complete cessation of craving and clinging at addictions is necessary.
4. The truth of the path. We made a decision to follow the way of liberation and to take refuge in our wakefulness, our truth, and our fellowship.
5. Right view. We made a searching and fearless review of our life. We are willing to acknowledge and proclaim our truth to ourselves, another human being and the community.
6. Right thought. We are mindful that we create the causes for suffering and liberation. Our goodness is indestructible.
7. Right speech. We purify, confess and ask for forgiveness straightforwardly and without judgment. We are willing to forgive others.
8. Right action. We make a list of all persons we harm and are willing and able to actively make amends to them all, unless to do so would be harmful.
9. Right livelihood. We simplify our lives, realizing we are all interconnected. We select a vocation that supports our recovery.
10. Right effort. We realize that continuing to follow this path, no matter what, is joyful effort.
11. Right mindfulness. Through prayer, meditation and action we will follow the path of kindness, being mindful moment by moment.
12. Right concentration. Open to the spirit of awakening as a result of these steps, we will carry this message to all people suffering with addictions.

If you’re interested in Buddhism and how it can help you in your recovery, you can also check out these sites:
http://www.buddhistrecovery.com/
http://www.dharmapunx.com/index.asp
http://www.kevingriffin.com
http://open-mind.org/News/SH/23.htm
http://www.geocities.com/bodhi_01au/index.html
http://www.viacorp.com/addiction.html
http://www.flatmajic.com/spirituality/Buddhism/buddhismandrecovery.htm