New Beginnings

Boring and trite update ahead:

Dude! Today is a good day. I paid three bills. Not huge bills, but ones that have been looming over me and keeping me up at night. Okay, so it’s only taken THREE years of recovery before I started to clean up the wreckage of my past. But (big BUT), I am moving forward. God, it feels good.

Well, well, look who decided to show up at her own blog. I haven’t had much time to blog lately, because I’ve been living life and all that entails.

• I celebrated my 3rd sober birthday on Sunday, March 9. Can you believe it? Three years with no alcohol. Still in the program and attending meetings. Need to kickstart my step work, but, otherwise I’m doing well.
• Abby turned 5 on February 27. No little babies anymore, only big kids. the most exciting thing about being 5, according to Abby, is that she’s graduated to a booster seat.
• My FIL was diagnosed with Leukemic Lymphoma is now undergoing chemo treatment. Despite tumors in his lung and spleen, he is doing well and fighting like a mutha.
• I started knitting again. A “chemo cap” for George in a lovely merino wool, ruby red. My slump is over now that I have a purpose. No more knitting ADD!
• Got myself a new cell phone, the very cool LG Voyager. If it’s possible to love a phone, then I love my phone.
• Our whole family has been on a bit of a health kick. Jeff has even kicked his soda habit and is eating a low carb diet (along with my dad). Mom and I are opting for the healthier and more satisfying South Beach route. The kids are even making an effort to choose healthier snacks and more active and engaging activities.
• I finally got ever losing T to the disease. I see her occasionally stumbling through school functions or trying to hitchhike up the hill. Sometimes she calls me and then forgets she called. I miss her, but she’s not herself when she’s drinking. I’m working on keeping my family and good friends a priority in my life. I flew to Texas to spend time with MoMo and her family. I did my very best to be the ultimate BFF and help her welcome her new daughter into the world. I’m also working on keeping it simple and real. My new friend S is wonderful and our families’ have grown very close.
• I’m working on cleaning up some financial wreckage and getting my taxes in order. All in all, I’m moving forward. Progress not perfection.

Spring 2008

Dear Brothers and Sisters Still Suffering,

Your surgery changed everything for you. Aside from some minor pains and setbacks here and there, you were doing fabulously: losing weight like gangbusters, having energy to burn, and feeling like someone that mattered again. That’s how I felt, too. I was even blessed with a beautiful new baby. But somewhere along the way, something else happened. Something sneaky, brutal and completely unexpected. Somehow, alcohol felt and tasted different. And then, almost suddenly, I couldn’t stop at one glass of wine…or even one bottle. And you can’t either, can you?

Please don’t take this the wrong way or think that I don’t love you, because I do. I love you with my whole heart. The truth is that you are now an alcoholic. Plain and simple. There is no going back. You must stop drinking now and get help. Do not pass go. Do not make any more excuses or cry about how unfair it is.  Do not stomp your foot like a child and tell me that AA won’t work for you. I don’t give a shit which program you choose, just choose one that includes participation in groups. The healing power of a fellowship is immeasurable. If you don’t stop this downward spiral right now you might destroy everything you have and everyone you love in the destructive ripple effect that is alcohol.

I have to be honest here. I want you to know that the path back is not always easy. It’s hard. But it does get better. A lot better. It sucks dealing with all the pain you’re feeling right now, but that horrid, overwhelming sense of doom will eventually go away. Honest. Your soul will return to your eyes and you will be accountable for the things you do and say. Life will start again. If you choose to put down the drink and try another way…if you want to live, then you will do anything to get your life back won’t you? So do it.

Put your hand in my hand and we’ll do this together.

With Love,
Rusty

For more information, my story, and links to articles and programs, please see my original post on this topic.

Today, I am so grateful. Grateful for the ups and the downs. I hate sounding like a cheeseball (I still hold the ridiculous notion that somewhere in the Universe someone might still consider me cool), but the truth is that I’m a grateful cheeseball. A grateful, recovery alcoholic cheeseball.

• I think I found a meditation group to meet with. Finally, a Sangha!
• I have a friend. A real friend. A new friend that accepts me how I am and is not in the program.
• I love my husband. And he loves me….whack job that I am.
• I am sober. I was introduced to AA and it works for me.
• New products and authentic marketing. Work can be fun. Always too much to get done, but still fun. It is what I make it.
• My children. Right now they shine in my eyes. School is good and they are happy. Can a mother ask for more?
• Just the sheer possibility that we might one day (soon?) have a mother as President make me giddy. Fucking giddy.
• Busy weekend plans: hair (where the hell did that gray come from!?), moving friends, meetings, children’s birthday parties, movies, fellowship, organic chicken and spaghetti.
• My BFF’s new baby will be born soon and I will be privileged to be there. I will be emotionally and physically available to my dearest friend and her family.

Dude! I feel like an AA rockstar! I finally got a comment from the infamous hate monger, Micky! Unfortunately, I’m fairly young in my recovery and not quite as evolved as some of those in the fellowship that I look up to. I hope that one day I will be more emotionally grown up. But, until then, Mickey, shut the fuck up!  Please.

12 STEPPERS have sold their souls to the devil. Fortunately, I was saved through the power of Jesus Christ, but for many years had been exposed to the evil “satanic cult” (Alcoholics Anonymous) Wilson (AA) has prostituted himself & deluded millions (12 Step Groups) by worshipping the god Moloch (Ba’al the Sacred Bull). It all started with his (Wilson) “drug induced hallucination”….

Well, look who’s back from treatment! It’s the one and only Sober Chick! I am truly thrilled to see you back and hear the obvious joy in the tone of your post. Welcome back, friend….we missed your light.

Joe McQuany (of the Joe and Charlie workshop tapes) passed away this weekend. You can read more about it here.

Yesterday there was a fatal accident on the 2 lane highway from town to our more rural house. When we drove by, they hadn’t yet removed the man’s body from the wreckage. As I tried to distract my son (who is prone to nightmares) to look away, the practicing alcoholic in the passenger starting yelling, “Look, he’s dead! There’s his arm hanging out…blah, blah, blah.” Fuckwit.

So it turns out that the dead guy is a fairly well known drunk/drugged driver (lied his way out of a drunk driving manslaughter conviction some years ago). I guess he took the curve too wide and drove head on into a gravel truck. I thank god that I don’t have to be that guy and that this disease hasn’t killed me yet.

WTF.  I hate these damn sayings. I hate being an alcoholic. I hate being told what to do and what I can’t do. Sometimes I hate working for with my parent’s (let’s be honest…I work FOR them). I hate being poor. Sometimes I still miss my big house and feeling like a grown up. I wish I could save the little bit of money I actually do have. I wish that I had the courage to face my bills and my tax “issue” and just get it over with. I hate that AA is really for men…men who either don’t have kids or have a plethora of sitting options (ie., wives).

On the other hand…

I love my family. I love being sober. I love being alive. All this crap floating around in my head will stop. This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass….

I had a horrible run in with the still drinking T yesterday. In public. In front of my terrified son. In the parking lot of our little country store. She was wasted, as usual. I was so uncomfortable and felt so awkward, but I said hi and asked if she was okay. She was so freaky, babbling something about wondering what I was doing there (uh, buying dinner and some milk). As I was walking out she calls me over to the car she’s in (driven by scary, skanky guy) and starts giving me the same old BS: she’s so mad at me, don’t do that, blah, blah, blah. Then she accuses me of getting “caught.” Huh? Then it dawned on me. She thinks that she caught me buying booze! Because she was buying beer and can’t stay sober, she thinks that I can’t either. WTF! I snapped. I told her to f off and stay the hell away from me and my family until she sobers up. All those old feelings of shame and fear instantly flooded back. Damn her. She was yelling “I caught you…you got caught” at me as I walked away (and another friend was walking through the parking lot). For a minute she had me in the hand of her addiction…for a minute I got swept up in the misery, too. Just for a minute. Driving home I began to calm down and explained to my son (once again) how this disease chews up good people and spits them out. I’m so lucky to have the fellowship…and a god of my understanding…and my family.

I miss my friend. I hope she makes it out alive.

Study Says Young Drinking Underestimated

Surprise, surprise. The Guardian Unlimited reports that alcohol is to blame for most violent offenses. Read the article:
   

Drink most to blame for violent offences | Special Reports | Guardian Unlimited Politics

Oh, yeah, and there’s that ever effective AA thing…but they neglected to mention that.

Third of Americans Have Alcohol Problems at Some Point (Washington Post):
There are many new medications and behavioral treatments, Grant said.
“But most people, including physicians, don’t realize the new
state-of-the-art treatment,” she said. “Basically, we need a national
campaign to educate physicians and lay people that there are treatments
out there, and they are effective.

From Join Together: NIAAA Identifies Five Subtypes of Alcohol Dependence

I finally made it to my home group meeting on Saturday. And not a moment too soon. Friday night saw me naively in the middle of a drug deal and the enabler of child abandonment. Yes, friends and family, I was stupid enough to believe that my alcoholic friend actually needed me. Turns out she needed a ride and a way to bail on her kids before her drunk husband came back. Let’s hope that I have finally learned my lesson: I can’t fix her and I can’t save her family. It is what it is.

In other news, we have survived the boy birthday sleepover, movie, and gaming extravaganza. Max’s birthday celebration has officially ended. He had an awesome time and much fun was had by all. And, I have to say, the boys were great at the movies and the fun center. They were a little jacked up on sugar by the time we got home, but they did a great job of staying out of trouble. Good kids.

BTW, the guy that co-chaired our meeting got sober in 1959. Dude. Frickin’ cool. My sponsor celebrates 40 years next month. I feel blessed to have so much recovery around me.

How do you manage exceptionally stressful days? I mean really? For those of us friends of Bill, we have some tools to help us cope, turn it over, surrender, the serenity prayer, and all that great 12 step advice passed on through AA. But sometimes all that knowledge and power just flies out of my head and I’m left a seething, pissed off, ready-to-kick-the-shit-out-of-something woman. Not a pretty picture, but real, nonetheless. How am I supposed to keep my composure (aka not drink, break any laws, hit someone, or start crying) until my remaining brain cells kick back in enough to keep me out of trouble? Sometimes I’m just too far gone to count my blessings and forgive my counterpart, or whatever. How? How? How!? Ack. I had a really crappy day at work the other day and then received some not good news from doctor. Ah, yes, then dealing with the bank…I swear, I thought we had more money than that. I felt like my head was gonna explode. So I went for a walk. That’s a new tactic for me. When I feel depressed I just want to sleep. I fought it this time. And it did help. And writing here helped. And now I should probably go to a meeting, eh?

I seem to pulling out of my funk a bit and starting to face some of that wreckage (taxes) I keep having nightmares about.

I went to my home group meeting on Saturday morning and ran into my former counselor from the treatment center I got sober at. He’s a neighbor, too…well, he lives on the same road, anyway. He’s a good guy and seemed happy to see me and see that I was still sober. I have a feeling that longterm success is not the norm for him. That would get depressing. It was a great meeting. I think it was the first time I really felt like I needed a meeting. And I walked out feeling part of the fellowship of AA. That doesn’t happen too often.

Also made it to my women’s meeting last night and made an effort to be prepared for discussion of the 5th Tradition.  And I did contribute (which is really, really hard for me). I’m really making an effort to get involved and meet some folks in the fellowship. Unfortunately, my friend T is not going to meetings and the last time I saw her at the kid’s school, she smelled like booze. I miss her so much. I used to talk her every day.

Addiction sucks. I hate it.

I was listening to a speaker podcast from Sobercasting and heard one of those things we say that really clicked: God is Good, Good is God. If it’s not Good, it’s not God. Since I really struggle with the whole god thing, I really liked this. It works for me.

I received an email today announcing the death of a fellowship member. He had 56 years in the program. Fifty six years sober. Wow. Is that not a miracle? For those of us that need little reminders that the program works, I think that’s a pretty good one. It works for me.

BTW, this picture was taken on my deck outside my front door.

Signed,
Just another brainwashed AA cult member